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Spiralling Spiralling

How can I explain the feeling of anxiety and sadness? Let me give it a go.

I turn 27 tomorrow and every single birthday of mine has been so terrible and so awful, or I’ve just looked at the terrible side of things. Last birthday was not so bad, R was down and we went partying all night – how much has changed in a year!

The birthday before that was really bad, it was the first month at B-School and our mid-terms just got done with. D was SO mad at me at 12 am because someone had bought me a cake. It was just a big, fat mess which led to a lot of crying.

So here’s how you crack my birthday nut. I will keep insisting that I don’t like making a big deal on my birthday and I will keep pushing you away. BUT you must persist because deep inside I am a birthday freak, and I want to feel like a queen on this day. And I want you to spoil me rotten because I think I deserve it. No, I know I deserve it.

The point is – no one will make an effort for your birthday unless you do. I am so so upset these days, this place, this city makes me so upset. I just want to take all that hate and dump it on D, but I know how unfair that is.

I realized how much of my self-worth I put on D, when he refused to take this relationship forward. That realization set me free.

(To be continued…)

Ramble On

Gosh I am so gullible. I was thinking about it yesterday. Do you know my name translates to ‘Master of All Arts’ and I think I have taken the name a little too literally.

I am constantly pulled into being good at everything I do, that I end up being half-baked at every thing.

My current job requires me to data crunch. a lot. I have to have these heated discussions with ‘MBA’ folks (that is such an exaggerated, overrated term) and when they question me on numbers, I run a blank. It is one of the worst feelings in the world for me. I hate losing an argument and now they have found a hack.

So here’s what I am doing: Taking L’s assistance and trying to beat them at data and numbers. I wish numbers flowed easily with me, dancing and prancing away. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Imma’ beat them. WITH DATA.

The hunt

And so here I am, in the very place I dreaded to be – the search for the perfect man. As I have skimmed through profiles, as I see boys I was supposed to get married to, get married to someone else – I wonder about who my perfect man would be. Do I have a list? I met an interesting guy recently – great speaker, great dresser, I did want to get to know him more – but it didn’t happen. First impressions matter, but do lasting impressions matter more?

I am looking for the perfect boy – someone who gets my craziness. Someone who is very good with numbers (I don’t know why I get super impressed with that).

Now you might be thinking – hey, hey, whatever happened to D? I was smitten, I was in love. But guess what, turns out you can get out of love too – when you see that the other person has taken zero efforts to do anything in his life to be with you. Slowly and surely, you start to give up. Hope becomes plastic.

And so here I am – in search for the perfect person – to fit my puzzle. Are you listening?

It’s 2016

Yes it is, and here are some life updates.

  1. I am still stuck in C – town
  2. I have broken up with D

I cannot even begin to tell you how point 2 has affected me. This avalanche of feelings, you know, like the tsunami videos you see. Like that snowstorm video I saw on YouTube and was terrified of. It was just, bad. What made it worse was my environment, surrounded by wedding announcements, love in the air statements and happy couples. Call me a grinch, but it makes it so so bad. Misery loves company after all.

I always think this is life’s way of making me stronger, so that something better will come along. I still carry with me that imaginary pouch filled with glitter dust, shimmering in positivity and light. I still believe my moment is yet to come, it is somewhere nearby, as I mould myself to become a better, more forgiving person.

As you might know, D was my everything. My best friend, my soulmate, my sibling, etc. It was so difficult to let go of him. I’m not ready to talk about this yet because I haven’t made my peace with it. Theories, what-ifs, shoulda-woulda-coulda situations completely cloud judgement which is then followed by hating him, then hating myself, then hating everything around me.

2016 is looking very rosy thus far.

Queen of Rants

It’s this room. No sunlight, no breeze, which gives me the heebee-jeebies. Makes me feel like complete shit. Makes me think of breaking up with D. Makes me hate my life. Makes me almost suicidal.

I feel nothing towards this place. But it has the oddest of people. Especially my colleagues. Some of them are really nice, but some of them are so terribly masculine. in the worst of ways.

Oh god, I totally use this as a ranting portal. But guess what, meditation and yoga is putting me on a path of calm and peace. I’ve never tried meditation before and I was always such a sceptic. But I was introduced to it and I am hooked. It is by far the only thing that’s keeping me going currently. That is helping me with the crying bouts, that is making me look at the silver lining, that is just so so healing. I feel better already JUST by typing about it. The power of meditation.

Aum Shanthi, Shanthi, Shan..(oh god it’s a Monday tomorrow) thihii…..

I’ll tell you what it is

I’m really surprised at my self-healing powers, especially over the last few days. I love the incoming positivity when there’s a shitstorm all around you, and you’re still looking at the happy things in life – the things to look forward to, like the Pune trip with my girlfriends, like stuff at work. I realize I need to have more stuff to look forward to, to make my present more beautiful. To make the ugly, less ugly.

Last week, something happened. For the first time in my whole life. I was crying for no reason at all. Just locked in the bathroom, crying away. And scared as hell. Why was I crying? I had no answers but I knew D had something to do with it. Unanswered questions. And honestly, for no fault of his. My expectations hurt me, if I could change my expectations, bring them to none at all, wouldn’t I be a happier person?

At work, I faced a weird encounter. Colleague M said something really nasty to me and I had to swallow my pride. I was rattled, but I realized I dealt with it in a very different manner. I didn’t cry about it to anyone, including D. I had a mini outburst which was a tiny whine and then I listened to Taylor Swift’s Shake it off, and I was completely fine. Thank the lords for TS!

So life is really all about what you make of it. When you feel like depression is coming your way, surprise the fuck out of it. Confuse the hell out of it. And I’m not saying chin up, look at the silver lining. All I’m saying is, accept that some things suck monkey cock, cry about it till the well dries up (like the water situation in my building currently) and DO NOT forget to move on. Because beauty truly lies in moving on gracefully.

Hm

What do I hate? I hate having time on my hands. The minute I do (no pun intended), my thoughts spiral into an unknown vortex of all things sad. I think of the woulda, coulda, shoulda stuff in life.

Why is the human brain wired to all things sad? Or is it just mine? I wonder if this has anything to do with the childhood I faced, pressed with self-esteem issues. I always felt really ugly while growing up, secretly harboring this aching desire to be desired. Beauty was tall, beauty was fair, it was a straight nose. I had none of those. I never quite felt beautiful.

I wonder how different life would have been if I had the confidence that I do now. Over time, I did gain confidence (I’m so much better than who I was in high school).

Which is why, I don’t like it when I have time on my hands. I like being busy, I like the workaholic state that life sometimes puts me in.