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Spiralling Spiralling

How can I explain the feeling of anxiety and sadness? Let me give it a go.

I turn 27 tomorrow and every single birthday of mine has been so terrible and so awful, or I’ve just looked at the terrible side of things. Last birthday was not so bad, R was down and we went partying all night – how much has changed in a year!

The birthday before that was really bad, it was the first month at B-School and our mid-terms just got done with. D was SO mad at me at 12 am because someone had bought me a cake. It was just a big, fat mess which led to a lot of crying.

So here’s how you crack my birthday nut. I will keep insisting that I don’t like making a big deal on my birthday and I will keep pushing you away. BUT you must persist because deep inside I am a birthday freak, and I want to feel like a queen on this day. And I want you to spoil me rotten because I think I deserve it. No, I know I deserve it.

The point is – no one will make an effort for your birthday unless you do. I am so so upset these days, this place, this city makes me so upset. I just want to take all that hate and dump it on D, but I know how unfair that is.

I realized how much of my self-worth I put on D, when he refused to take this relationship forward. That realization set me free.

(To be continued…)

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